Time has passed so slowly...it's been a month since you left me...I still picking up the threads of life at where you left me and learning to be independent again.
You are no longer here to sing your snoring into my ears to lull me to sleep...The room is so quiet now and I no longer sleep as soundly as I did last time...
You are no longer seated at your usual place to download TVB series for me to watch...I no longer want to watch any TVB series...
You are no longer here to appreciate and praise my cooking...I no longer have the passion to cook...
You are no longer here to show off your DIY mods to your new car...I cry each time I open the car to get something and smelling your familiar car fragrance...
You are no longer here to zip up or unzip my dresses...I learn to be more flexible in dressing and undressing myself...
You are no longer here to nag me to bathe earlier...I still bathe as late as I do...
You are no longer here to love me and care for me....I will try to love myself more and open up for others to love me but nothing fills that void you left in me...
Hunny...I miss you so much! Y did you have to go so fast??
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Love You Much Much, Miss You Deep Deep
My Hunny's marble tablet has been ready since 2 weeks ago but I put off the sealing of his urn's resting place as I couldn't bring myself to seal it permanently and not able to touch his urn and see his ashes anymore.
However, what has to be done has to be done. I put in a fan that he bought during our honeymoon in Macau this year and our signature bunny toy from our wedding in to the urn, and a photo taken at one of our many receptions last year.
The inscription was originally "You'll always be remembered" as I took that generic line off the net but it couldn't describe my heartfelt emotions and I changed it to "Love you much much, Miss you deep deep" at the last minute before they finalized the design.
However, what has to be done has to be done. I put in a fan that he bought during our honeymoon in Macau this year and our signature bunny toy from our wedding in to the urn, and a photo taken at one of our many receptions last year.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Afterlife Stuff For My Hunny
Time has passed on painfully. I miss him so much...the empty space on my bed and the silence in the room instead of his wondrous snoring music to soothe and calm me has gone.
As my Hunny left so suddenly and at so young, we didn't know which funeral rites to give him and went along with the simplest one. My Hunny was also a free thinker. One of the couples that we always hang out with were Pureland Buddhism believers which was slightly different from what we chose for my Hunny.
Buddhism = pure praying and chanting and moving on in afterlife to attain enlightment to move towards heaven and the Land of Purity and Goodness. This will make the spirit free with no more sufferings
Taoism = praying, burning of paper paraphelias of our world's material stuff to the afterlife and believing that after punishments of the sins in life has been paid back, the spirit will live in luxuries that has been burnt to them till it's time to be reincarnated into the 6 realms - gods, titans/demigods, humans, animals, ghosts, demons/hell beings
So I told them, since my Hunny passed away as a free-thinker, I'd let him choose which path he'd want to follow.
Here are some of the stuff that was burnt to him
1) Cigarettes - not his favourite Pall Mall though
2.) Passport, Air flight tickets, credit cards and cheque book
3.) Some socks but he doesn't wear tie
4,) Medcation and ointments
5.) Adides Shoes. Can't find slippers
6.) Table fan
7.) Box fan (not able to find aircond)
8.) Some jing-jangy clothes
9.) Mobile phones and PSP
10.) Shaving kit
11.) Shan teaching me to line each treasure chest with money
12.) Sharks fin, Birds Nest, Martell, Abalones, Cordyceps and Ginseng
13.) BMW (during his wake, he got an antique looking Mercedes)
14.) Oral Care set
15. Spare Laptop (Our friends got him a lot of gadgets during the wake too)
Hunny, I hope you can make do with all these first. Be good and don't linger longer in the human realm more than you should. I promise to be strong and move on calmly.
As my Hunny left so suddenly and at so young, we didn't know which funeral rites to give him and went along with the simplest one. My Hunny was also a free thinker. One of the couples that we always hang out with were Pureland Buddhism believers which was slightly different from what we chose for my Hunny.
Buddhism = pure praying and chanting and moving on in afterlife to attain enlightment to move towards heaven and the Land of Purity and Goodness. This will make the spirit free with no more sufferings
Taoism = praying, burning of paper paraphelias of our world's material stuff to the afterlife and believing that after punishments of the sins in life has been paid back, the spirit will live in luxuries that has been burnt to them till it's time to be reincarnated into the 6 realms - gods, titans/demigods, humans, animals, ghosts, demons/hell beings
So I told them, since my Hunny passed away as a free-thinker, I'd let him choose which path he'd want to follow.
Here are some of the stuff that was burnt to him
1) Cigarettes - not his favourite Pall Mall though
2.) Passport, Air flight tickets, credit cards and cheque book
3.) Some socks but he doesn't wear tie
4,) Medcation and ointments
5.) Adides Shoes. Can't find slippers
6.) Table fan
7.) Box fan (not able to find aircond)
8.) Some jing-jangy clothes
9.) Mobile phones and PSP
10.) Shaving kit
11.) Shan teaching me to line each treasure chest with money
12.) Sharks fin, Birds Nest, Martell, Abalones, Cordyceps and Ginseng
13.) BMW (during his wake, he got an antique looking Mercedes)
14.) Oral Care set
15. Spare Laptop (Our friends got him a lot of gadgets during the wake too)
Hunny, I hope you can make do with all these first. Be good and don't linger longer in the human realm more than you should. I promise to be strong and move on calmly.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
My Hunny Left Me Forever On 20 Aug 2012 at 10.13am
In loving memory of my dearly departed Hunny....
Love you much much
Miss you deep deep
The story of how my husband left me forever on 20th August 2012....
Love you much much
Miss you deep deep
The story of how my husband left me forever on 20th August 2012....
1. Hubby was ok as we had breakfast in petaling street on 18th August and we bought flowers to deco my hse at 8.30am
2. Hubby dropped me off at home as he wanted to wash his car at 9am. Usually he'd be back by 12 noon
3. 11am something he called and said he wanted to beautify his car...will be an hour late
4. I took a nap at 12 something...woke up at 1 something...
i checked but he wasn't home
5. Called him twice but no pick up phone...so I thought probably he couldn't hear
6. 2pm...still not home...my heart not at ease and I called 10 times. on 10th call...someone picked up and asked if I was mrs lew... I said yes...the car shop accessory owner said my hubby fainted at his shop 15 mins ago...the ambulance is on the way
7. I quickly got ready...called my sis...she dropped me off at the shop and the ambulance paramedics were there already
8. they asked me basic questions like allergies, diseases..etc. That time my hubby eyes already fixated (means staring straight ahead and non responsive to light)
9. We already knew got internal brain bleeding but thought was a concussion bec when he fainted, he hit his head
10. I wanted to go KJMC bec is nearest but my mum called me and ask to send to UH instead
11. Reached UH, ER told me that if cannot stabilize his breathing n heartbeat...need to intubate
and they had to intubate after I got back from registering him
12. His blood pressure was very high at 233/133 n still unconscious but when i talked to him...he was moving his mouth...if no one talking to him...he is relaxed
13. after stabilizing him, sent for xray n ct scan, the neuro medical officer is called in
14. 1st scan shows 3 internal bleeds in brain on right side. MO says not optimistic...need further consultation from her lecturer
15. lecturer comes in n orders another ct scan...comes back n tells me to prepare for the worst
as the bleeds have caused him to have high blood pressure and they cannot operate
16. He'd give meds to try n bring the pressure down but will take 2 to 3 hours. he asked me to keep talking to my hubby
17. Heng (my boss) came and so did a group of my frens...my hubby's family were all in SG at that time...when he was brought in to ER, i called his sister n they said they'll arrange to be back the day after since it was already 4pm that time
18. after hearing the lecturer's results, i called his family again n told them to come back immediately
19. At 8pm, my husband was warded...by that time...my friends went home since it was after visiting hours. my parents came n followed me to the ward Neuro ICU (NICU)
20. The lecturer once again explain to me that his condition is not good and prepare that anytime he can pass away as the bleed got worst constricting all blood circulation to the right side of the brain too...pushing the right brain mass in to the left brain side
21. My in laws arrived n my youngest sis in law stayed behind. I went home to rest with my other in laws
22. I couldn't sleep the 1st night...so much going thru n so scared. I text my sis in law n asked her to check how my hubby was and she replied that he was critical as he had a 40 degrees fever. That time was 6am. I called my sis n she came to pick me up at 6.30am n she n i rushed back to the ward. By that time my hubby's fever was subsiding and that morning...my eldest sis sought out a 3rd opinion from another neuro surgeon and again the recovery chances were very slim bec the 3rd CT scan showed overnight 2 of the blood clots formed into 1 huge clot
23. it caused my hubby's other part of the brain no blood circulation and the brain shrank my hubby's bp was normal by then but no use if operate bec the brain shrink n shifted. It cannot be reversed if he survived, he would be comatose or if he wakes up, he won't be him anymore. His organs were shutting down one by one as the bleed got worst n pressured his brain stem. The MO on duty told me taht my hubby already brain dead. At that time my sis asked if i wanted to do organ donation...i was ok...n consulted my in laws (except his mum)...n they were also ok
24. As the docs were arranging organ donation, another doc in charge of respiratory came...
n i told him that my hubby was brain dead...n asked what is optimal level of breathing for organs to be in good shape. I also asked him to teach me how to read the machine. He said horizontal is the machine settings for my hubby which was 16 breathes a min. Vertical is total summary of his current condition then he said my hubby was not brain dead n that it was illegal to harvest the organs
25. I asked y...n he said the breathing was 20/min meaning my hubby was taking 4 breathes on his own and he still has brain activity. After hearing that...my voice more hopeful n my hubby must have heard because 20 breaths became 25 breaths n then i talked longer n the doctor also confirmed more details ...n 25 became 32 breathes. That time esther n kam wah (colleagues) arrived n esther was very kind, she helped motivate my hubby alongside me n my youngest sis in law n massaged n wiped n fanned my hubby
My hubby was steadily breathing for 4 hours at 16 breathes on his own plus machine another 16 making it 32. Then visiting hours over...my hubby's bro took over while i went back to take a rest
26. that day i was supposed to over night...so i'd go in at 6pm ...but at 5pm...my bro in law calls n said my hubby's breathing dipped to 20/min. By the time i rushed there, no matter how i call or talk to him...it stayed at 20 n machine was set at 20. By 8pm..the docs wanted to run the 1st verification test
to check any brain activity or not... my hubby failed all 9 tests. There was no brain activity at all
this time was for real. The docs told me that if my hubby fail second test, then only will declare him dead and this would be done 8 to 10 hours later
27. I asked the docs...was it heat stroke that caused my hubby to faint n hit his head? All this while i tot was concussion But the professor n consultant said no physical knock injury from external side.
it was internal bleeding...started from an abnormal sized blood vessel in his head and it was something that during normal checkups cannot be traced
Only if it starts bleeding...then only would know and it may occur from hbp also. It happens
that 1 in 80 ppl would have it n my hubby was the unfortunate one. However when he fell and hit his head, the vessel ruptured further causing the bleed to go faster...
28. After discussion with my in laws, we decided not to do organ donation bec my hubby damn afraid of pain n cuts. I went back to home bec no point waiting there for 2nd tests
29. next morning all of us went to say goodbye to my hubby. By that time he was breathing at 10/min
n heartbeat was 55/min. His brain no longer controlled the heart, it was beating on its own
30. i called our close frens in...they came to visit my hubby everyday since he was admitted in ER
they said their goodbyes n assured him that they'd take care of me
20 mins after they left...i was outside forcing myself to eat breakfast...my sis in law quick quick call me in...
my hubby was failing
from 55/min heartbeat to 20/min...as i said my byes n told him to calmly leave...no need worry abt us...his heartbeat became zero n left
no crying bec dunwan him to worry
then we chanting amithaba continuously n followed him to the mortuary n then followed all the customs to tell him to follow us to where he is to go lor
i was very calm from start till now
bec god is kind. he planned it that my hubby collapsed outside with his good car buddies
if he collapsed at home, i'd have panicked...n not as strong as now
god is kind as he made sure my hubby wasn't driving when it happened
so i m very thankful that i have so many caring family, friends, colleagues, his colleagues n bosses, the hospital staff, the funeral ppl, ambulance paramedics...all very nice
2. Hubby dropped me off at home as he wanted to wash his car at 9am. Usually he'd be back by 12 noon
3. 11am something he called and said he wanted to beautify his car...will be an hour late
4. I took a nap at 12 something...woke up at 1 something...
i checked but he wasn't home
5. Called him twice but no pick up phone...so I thought probably he couldn't hear
6. 2pm...still not home...my heart not at ease and I called 10 times. on 10th call...someone picked up and asked if I was mrs lew... I said yes...the car shop accessory owner said my hubby fainted at his shop 15 mins ago...the ambulance is on the way
7. I quickly got ready...called my sis...she dropped me off at the shop and the ambulance paramedics were there already
8. they asked me basic questions like allergies, diseases..etc. That time my hubby eyes already fixated (means staring straight ahead and non responsive to light)
9. We already knew got internal brain bleeding but thought was a concussion bec when he fainted, he hit his head
10. I wanted to go KJMC bec is nearest but my mum called me and ask to send to UH instead
11. Reached UH, ER told me that if cannot stabilize his breathing n heartbeat...need to intubate
and they had to intubate after I got back from registering him
12. His blood pressure was very high at 233/133 n still unconscious but when i talked to him...he was moving his mouth...if no one talking to him...he is relaxed
13. after stabilizing him, sent for xray n ct scan, the neuro medical officer is called in
14. 1st scan shows 3 internal bleeds in brain on right side. MO says not optimistic...need further consultation from her lecturer
15. lecturer comes in n orders another ct scan...comes back n tells me to prepare for the worst
as the bleeds have caused him to have high blood pressure and they cannot operate
16. He'd give meds to try n bring the pressure down but will take 2 to 3 hours. he asked me to keep talking to my hubby
17. Heng (my boss) came and so did a group of my frens...my hubby's family were all in SG at that time...when he was brought in to ER, i called his sister n they said they'll arrange to be back the day after since it was already 4pm that time
18. after hearing the lecturer's results, i called his family again n told them to come back immediately
19. At 8pm, my husband was warded...by that time...my friends went home since it was after visiting hours. my parents came n followed me to the ward Neuro ICU (NICU)
20. The lecturer once again explain to me that his condition is not good and prepare that anytime he can pass away as the bleed got worst constricting all blood circulation to the right side of the brain too...pushing the right brain mass in to the left brain side
21. My in laws arrived n my youngest sis in law stayed behind. I went home to rest with my other in laws
22. I couldn't sleep the 1st night...so much going thru n so scared. I text my sis in law n asked her to check how my hubby was and she replied that he was critical as he had a 40 degrees fever. That time was 6am. I called my sis n she came to pick me up at 6.30am n she n i rushed back to the ward. By that time my hubby's fever was subsiding and that morning...my eldest sis sought out a 3rd opinion from another neuro surgeon and again the recovery chances were very slim bec the 3rd CT scan showed overnight 2 of the blood clots formed into 1 huge clot
23. it caused my hubby's other part of the brain no blood circulation and the brain shrank my hubby's bp was normal by then but no use if operate bec the brain shrink n shifted. It cannot be reversed if he survived, he would be comatose or if he wakes up, he won't be him anymore. His organs were shutting down one by one as the bleed got worst n pressured his brain stem. The MO on duty told me taht my hubby already brain dead. At that time my sis asked if i wanted to do organ donation...i was ok...n consulted my in laws (except his mum)...n they were also ok
24. As the docs were arranging organ donation, another doc in charge of respiratory came...
n i told him that my hubby was brain dead...n asked what is optimal level of breathing for organs to be in good shape. I also asked him to teach me how to read the machine. He said horizontal is the machine settings for my hubby which was 16 breathes a min. Vertical is total summary of his current condition then he said my hubby was not brain dead n that it was illegal to harvest the organs
25. I asked y...n he said the breathing was 20/min meaning my hubby was taking 4 breathes on his own and he still has brain activity. After hearing that...my voice more hopeful n my hubby must have heard because 20 breaths became 25 breaths n then i talked longer n the doctor also confirmed more details ...n 25 became 32 breathes. That time esther n kam wah (colleagues) arrived n esther was very kind, she helped motivate my hubby alongside me n my youngest sis in law n massaged n wiped n fanned my hubby
My hubby was steadily breathing for 4 hours at 16 breathes on his own plus machine another 16 making it 32. Then visiting hours over...my hubby's bro took over while i went back to take a rest
26. that day i was supposed to over night...so i'd go in at 6pm ...but at 5pm...my bro in law calls n said my hubby's breathing dipped to 20/min. By the time i rushed there, no matter how i call or talk to him...it stayed at 20 n machine was set at 20. By 8pm..the docs wanted to run the 1st verification test
to check any brain activity or not... my hubby failed all 9 tests. There was no brain activity at all
this time was for real. The docs told me that if my hubby fail second test, then only will declare him dead and this would be done 8 to 10 hours later
27. I asked the docs...was it heat stroke that caused my hubby to faint n hit his head? All this while i tot was concussion But the professor n consultant said no physical knock injury from external side.
it was internal bleeding...started from an abnormal sized blood vessel in his head and it was something that during normal checkups cannot be traced
Only if it starts bleeding...then only would know and it may occur from hbp also. It happens
that 1 in 80 ppl would have it n my hubby was the unfortunate one. However when he fell and hit his head, the vessel ruptured further causing the bleed to go faster...
28. After discussion with my in laws, we decided not to do organ donation bec my hubby damn afraid of pain n cuts. I went back to home bec no point waiting there for 2nd tests
29. next morning all of us went to say goodbye to my hubby. By that time he was breathing at 10/min
n heartbeat was 55/min. His brain no longer controlled the heart, it was beating on its own
30. i called our close frens in...they came to visit my hubby everyday since he was admitted in ER
they said their goodbyes n assured him that they'd take care of me
20 mins after they left...i was outside forcing myself to eat breakfast...my sis in law quick quick call me in...
my hubby was failing
from 55/min heartbeat to 20/min...as i said my byes n told him to calmly leave...no need worry abt us...his heartbeat became zero n left
no crying bec dunwan him to worry
then we chanting amithaba continuously n followed him to the mortuary n then followed all the customs to tell him to follow us to where he is to go lor
i was very calm from start till now
bec god is kind. he planned it that my hubby collapsed outside with his good car buddies
if he collapsed at home, i'd have panicked...n not as strong as now
god is kind as he made sure my hubby wasn't driving when it happened
so i m very thankful that i have so many caring family, friends, colleagues, his colleagues n bosses, the hospital staff, the funeral ppl, ambulance paramedics...all very nice
